Goodness

Consensual living has taken a turn for the worse here, and I'm the one who is the hub of that. My attitude kind of seems to determine the atmosphere of the entire household - which is great when I'm feeling connected and aware and present and peaceful. But when I'm completely drained and overwhelmed and feeling thwarted and needy.... I just can't seem to pull it together. And this pregnancy has been hard on me, totally unlike my past pregnancies. I'm being more careful with my diet and supplements now - since I feel like a lot of it was nutritionally based.... but I feel like even under duress my behavior/attitude sometimes is totally uncalled for.

My children amaze me. They are such shining lights. They really are my gurus. Fairy came to me when I was melting down and said, "I will help you to calm down, Mommy. Breathe, breathe" and she breathed with me. "Blow out the angry thoughts" she said. And the other night I got into a battle of wills with Mermaid (which is the sort of thing that happens when I'm feeling so drained) and I said to her, feeling desperate, "I don't even want to hug you, because then I feel like you win!" (*wince*) and she said, "But Mommy, if you hug me, we BOTH win." and I realized how very very true that was -- once again, she lights my path like a beacon. My resistance slid away and we were able to reconnect then. And even Dragon - when I said "Aaargh" in frustration and was absolutely fuming about something, near tears... he came over to me and put his hands on my face and looked into my eyes with concern. He said "Uh? Uh?" in such a loving although preverbal way ... I was overwhelmed by his sweetness. His empathy is pure and authentic.

I can't believe sometimes that how "good" they are is assessed by whether they eat food they don't like or go to bed before they're tired, or if they do any number of things they don't want to d, or don't do things they do want to do, without complaining. When I see such goodness and grace shining out of my children, I am just amazed at the yardstick that is used to judge children in most of society. And I thank God that I was shown another way of looking at things.

And in writing this I realize that I am judging myself using a similar yardstick... I'm a good mother/wife if I do XYZ without complaining. And the stress of that judgment hanging over me is 90% of what overwhelms me. Otherwise when I was tired I would simply get the rest I needed. If I needed some help, I'd ask for it, if I needed some space, I'd make sure I got it. I would certainly eat when I was hungry. And then my physical and emotional needs wouldn't grow to such a flashpoint that I end up exploding irrationally and disproportionately.

I need to have a new way of looking at myself too. One that is free of judgment. Accepting myself unconditionally... because until I do that I will keep slipping into judgment and conditionality with my husband and kids - since my fundamental paradigm hasn't shifted far enough.